On Celibacy
Frequently, I see takes like:
A(n) (allo)sexual person hates to be celibate, even if they're making the choice to be such.
or
Allosexuals desire to have sex. Celibate allosexuals still desire to have sex. Shy or socially insecure allosexuals still deaire to have sex. Sounds to me that you really don’t have that desire
Which I find a little bit frustrating as a celibate bisexual (allosexual) person. Putting up a post to explain why.
Dual Control Model of Sexual Desire
The dual control model claims that sexual desire involves (at least) two components:
- excitement: (turn-ons, attraction, kinks)
- inhibitions: (turn-offs, boundaries, taboos)
Both are, generally speaking, healthy. Low inhibition is associated with increased risk-taking behavior. There's nothing wrong with getting your freak on as long as you maintain healthy boundaries.
If you want to coerce this into an equation, it might look like:
desire = attraction - boundaries
If we look at a typical situation where I might experience attraction:
| attraction | boundaries |
|---|---|
| they look nice | they're a stranger |
| lack of safety | |
| lack of time | |
| relationship gender dysphoria | |
| are we compatible? | |
| is this safe, sane, consensual? | |
| would it be compatible with my values? | |
| will it disrupt my existing relationship? | |
| ... |
IMO it's reasonable to say that I don't desire sex if the boundaries greatly outweigh attraction. Although this often gets deep into the semantics of what "desire" means.
Desire as Intent
Part of the problem is considering at what level it's reasonable to talk about "wanting sex." In my opinion, it's important to separate a fleeting impulse from an intention for behavior. I feel this is idiomatic when it comes to how we use phrases like "I want..." and even more importantly, "I don't want..."
- "I want this job, and I am willing to relocate."
- "I like other people's dogs, but I don't want one."
- "I daydream about punching politicians, but I don't want to actually do it."
- "I want to eat out tonight, let's browse some menus."
- "I don't want to go out, let's warm up some leftovers."
If I say I want celibacy and I don't want a sexual relationship, I'm communicating an intentional and considered choice about my needs, boundaries, and goals. It feels rather rude to say "no, you really want it" in order to fit a definition of allosexuality or bisexuality.
Intimate Partner Violence and Bisexuality
Reported experiences of intimate partner violence (IPV) against bisexual people are obscenely high. Multiple studies from the United States, Canada, UK, and Australia find that nearly 50% of bi women and 25% of bi men have experienced some form of violence.
A key factor behind this is stereotypes of bi people needing certain kinds of sex. Survivors report being pressured into sexual experiences they didn't want, and then being abused for giving in. Another pattern includes irrational jealousy about hypothetical polyamory or infidelity. The stereotype of the implicit or hidden psychological "yes' is used to undermine explicit and verbalized "no."
Ok, But why Celibacy?
- Celibacy is a form of self-care, a decision to focus my energy and attention on my own needs and my current relationships and interests.
- Celibacy is a refuge in a culture where I experience multiple forms of prejudice.
- I already have a relationship that meets my needs and is compatible with my values.
- I don't have the time or energy in my life to support other relationships.
- My ideal relationship values are not compatible with those of many other people.
- As a person in medical gender transition, I need to understand myself first.
I don't expect others to share these values (although some do), but they are my values.